In a recent article, happiness specialist, Arthur Brooks, picked up a Fourth of July theme by exploring the personal views of America’s Founders regarding the “pursuit of happiness” (The Atlantic, July 4). Out of their correspondence, Brooks distilled four themes. Before listing them, let me just observe, that for a fraternity of bros (or frenemies) who famously celebrated their secularity, their advice could easily have been proclaimed from the pulpit of any Protestant pastor of their time. (#1) Curb your appetites. (#2) Don’t think you’re so great (i.e. Be humble). (#3) Avoid idleness. (#4) Shun the limelight.
So… #1) I guess that means no more than two hotdogs, and one slice of watermelon at any given July 4th celebration! #2) Sorry Arthur Brooks, and America’s Founders! Anyone in my profession will tell you that a poorly formed self-esteem is at the foundation of all ego-ism and narcissism. In other words, the actual prerequisite for humility is good self-esteem! So, it’s kinda important to know you’re pretty great! (#3) Looking at Jefferson’s library, and taste for expensive French wine, I guess that means that reading and drinking doesn’t count as idleness?). (#4) Looks like Washington may have practiced what he preached. He did step down from the Presidency by not running a third time…imagine that! ‘Nuff said!).
Walt Whitman to the Rescue
In my own resilience/happiness reflections on the Fourth of July, I want to focus on a starkly different approach to the pursuit of happiness from one of America’s Founding poets, Nineteenth Century’s Walt Whitman. To get a sense of how shocking his writing would have been for a culture founded upon the Protestant work ethic, just re-read the first paragraph of this essay, then consider just two of his poem’s titles, “Song of Myself,” and “I Sing the Body Electric.” His voice in that latter poem reminded me of another audacious poet of sensuality, the anonymous Biblical author of the Song of Songs. Unlike Whitman, that ancient love poetry originated in a world-view un-sifted by Greek philosophy and language which tended to cleave the soul from the body, elevating the spiritual while denigrating all things material.
That’s what makes Whitman’s poetry so astonishing. By the time he inked his poet’s pen in Nineteenth Century Protestant America, the Greek mistrust of materiality had thoroughly become the common sense of things, including the Christian understanding of scripture and morality (except for some Pentecostal churches). Can you imagine the reaction to one of Whitman’s more mild excerpts like, “If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred?”
In the practice of counseling, I have found that the mind-body divorce continues into our own time. It’s usually expressed when I ask someone to tell me how they’re feeling. More often than not, a client will answer with a thought. When I press the point, and ask for a feeling response, I’ll often watch them start with the thought they’re thinking, and then try to deduce the feeling that would logically flow from that thought. The world of experience below the neck is literally terra incognita for most people. It’s no wonder, since the time we enter kindergarten, great expenditures of time and resources are poured into our cognitive development.
Somewhere around fifteen years ago, I began to experience the limits of an exclusively cognitive approach to psychotherapy. I haven’t abandoned the research-based notion that negative thoughts give rise to negative emotions. Yet, I’ve come to see that passions, rooted in bodily experience and bodily memories, are the things that truly move a person. Let me give you several examples of what I mean. Recovery from trauma is impossible without attending to the somatic experience of our memories. To enjoy a life full of physical, or even emotional intimacy, one must develop a fluency with not only one’s own body, but the body of another, even if that relationship is celibate. Spiritual intimacy with the Transcendent is primarily mediated through the body and its emotions. Experiencing “peace, patience, joy, love, gentleness, kindness” within one’s body is the traditional pathway to spiritual discernment (Galatians 5:22-23). Only 7% of what is received in any given interaction is verbal. Deep communication proceeds from reading the dialogue partner’s bodily communication, while simultaneously reading what your own body is telling you in an interaction.
The Poet’s Way: The Pursuit of Happiness
In her poem, “Wild Geese,” Mary Oliver describes the royal highway to happiness. To pursue it, she says, “You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” She makes it sound so easy. However, for a whole nation full of people alienated from the corporeal, some real discipline is necessary to recover the wisdom encoded in our bodies. Let me share with you just a couple of techniques that I have found useful to live an incarnate life.
TECHNIQUES TO “LOVE WHAT THE BODY LOVES”
Put the Phone Down, Go Outside
See if you can stay with your outdoor experience until you find some beauty to savor with your eyes, ears and nose. See if you can feel the internal feelings the beauty evokes inside. Part of this quest involves taking nature on its own terms, including its discomforts. Can you savor in the midst of a landscape that cares little for your convenience or comfort?
Develop a Richer Palette of Feeling Words than Psychologists or Disney Movies Utilize
Poets have a lot to teach us about naming our inner experience. Rather than limiting yourself to sterile words like, “Angry,” “Sad,” “Anxious,” “Happy,” can you allow yourself to draw from a more sensuous palette? For example, anger could exist on a spectrum from the feeling of hot lava surging to a tiny burr that “needles me inside.” One flavor of happy could be a “blue sky” feeling like anything is possible. Likewise, anxiety might be expressed as a cold blue icicle that “stabs me” “right about here in my chest.” Weight measures can express so much. “It’s like I have a weight on my chest.” “It’s like there’s a rock in my stomach.” “I feel like a load has been taken off my shoulders!” Motion metaphors can nail a felt experience, “There’s an acid feeling inside.” “I’ve got butterflies!”
Ask Yourself Where In My Body Am I Feeling That?
Coming to know the characteristic ways and places that your body feels the very first footfalls of stress, can help you know when to engage in self-soothing early on. The longer stress hangs around, the harder it is to mitigate. Likewise, knowing where in your body a good feeling tends to manifest, can let you know when you are in the presence of something asking you to Stop…Drop…Savor.
Study Your Dialogue Partner’s Physical Communication
Look for skin color in the face, muscle relaxation or tension in the face, breathing rate, eyes relaxed or tense, congruence between eyes and mouth, sound quality in the voice indicating constricted throat, or relaxation, body posture, unconscious bodily movements. Use that feedback to… get softer, ask a question, slow down.
Self-Soothing Techniques
When you are aware of the characteristic ways that you experience stress, breath with mindfulness. For example, breath in to the count of four, hold your breath to a count of four, and breath out to the count of four. Alternately, you can purse your lips and breath in super slowly, and breath out with pursed lips, super slowly. Apply any helpful spiritual connection with your breathing…like breathing in peace, breathing out love. Another somatic soothing technique: go to where you are feeling the stress in your body, tense those muscles, hold the tension, then release them. Simply try to soften the tensed up places inside. Utilize a visual image in your mind’s eye that tends to soothe you (face of a beloved grandparent, religious icon, light). Use an auditory mantra with your breathing, like “Peace,” “Light.”
Dialogue:
What stood out for you in this essay? Why do you think it struck you the way it did?
Are you already practicing some version of the techniques listed in this article?
Do you have a way that helps you celebrate your body that wasn’t described here?
Do you have a positive relationship with your body? If so, tell the story of how that came to be. If not, tell that story as well.
What is some small way or big way you could improve your relationship with your body?
Have you decided to be handsome or beautiful just the way you are?